I’m over here listening for J. Cole’s Dreams and Power Trip relating to this a tad too much….I need to get my shit together oh so soon. Too many years have gone by for this to be okay or healthy. Like after all the effort I put in years ago and these fucked thoughts, I need to marry shorty or SOMETHING because there’s no reason, rationale, or realism in wanting him. Shit, I don’t want him, but my mind (heart?) works in the craziest of ways.
But regardless, I need to move on but no matter what I do, I end up back stuck at him. I don’t get how I can still have feelings for someone I haven’t seen since high school graduation. That’s dumb ass shit if I ever knew of any dumb ass shit. I don’t even want to hit him up really to explore the option because I know it’s not gonna be worth my time…but maybe it will?
It won’t. I know it won’t. We’re at two entirely different points in life. Which in itself is insane that I’m 3/4 of the way done with college, the time has flown past me. I just don’t want to waste my time with what if’s with him when I know if it didn’t work the first 3 times it won’t work now. Especially with the distance.
But then again…I’m more confident in myself than I was in high school, and I’m sure we’ve both matured. But what do we even have in common? I’m not his type anyways. I’m too tall and curvy for his tastes. I could do better. But have yet to ever be with someone who would be good enough.
This is why I liked my year of celibacy. Horniness brings out the worst in me and my emotions….but locking them up and throwing away the key wasn’t really a good plan either. I stay bitter at guys. It’s pretty hilarious, actually. Looking back on myself and my life a year ago from today, and I see someone utterly pathetic.
I remember there being a post that I reblogged a year ago saying something to the effect of: “would five year old you, be proud of who you are today” and it was a probably not. So, I mean, that was pretty terrible.
The things I used to define myself and my happiness were stupid. I knew they were stupid back then but I couldn’t rise above it worth a damn because I just fell so far from my potential, and who I needed to be. That’s why I HAD to do something for myself to try and make myself happy by my own actions. I HAD to push myself. So, that’s why I thank god that I found rowing because I don’t think I would’ve been happy with myself otherwise.
The feeling I had of feeling unfulfilled in life disappeared. I no longer felt like I shamed myself or embarrassed myself. That if, my mom knew what I was doing, she wouldn’t shake her head at me and think of me as foolish and loose. That, more than anything else bothered me. I never want to let her down over something stupid.
I’d rather we laugh about it years later.
But, I’m happy with everything happening in my life and wouldn’t change a thing that’s happened because then I probably wouldn’t be who or where I am today. So, that’s good shit. I think five year old me would be pretty damn proud to be me. Just gotta work on not being so damn lazy.
Baby steps….
Random Stream of Consciousness…Sorta
